Position: Anywhere in the back line
Matches: W/D/L: 7/1/2
Nickname: Bob the Builder
Reason for Nickname: Is the Greater Helderberg’s handyman, and in particular, a handy man for his girlfriend Amy.
Lowlight of Season: Pain in the arse (apparent injury)
Highlight of Season: Scoring in the season opener
Brief: Known for his sudden backpull, versatility and an extraordinary capacity to empty Hansa Pilsners a case at a time, this fella played right back or centre back, or back behind the bar as required. A maestro at free-kicks, he scored in the opening game, much to the astonishment of the crowds. Rumour has it he scored again later that night as a result. Is believed to be the only citizen of the Western Cape area to be given shares in The Old Bridge Tavern in honourary gratitude of his support. Be at Old Bridge any Friday night and you will find him there, elbow in the air.
Position: Anywhere along the backline
Matches: W/D/L: 10/0/2
Nickname: “La Penguin”.
Reason for Nickname: Pitched up at games in a black suit with white shirt.
Lowlight of Season: Twisted ankle on an Astroturf causing him to limp, to this day in fact.
Highlight of Season: Considered part of best center back pairing in the league
Brief: French by birth, this has nothing to do with his soccer. The hotelier extraordinaire often pitched up for games wearing a black suit and white shirt claiming he had just come from work, but admitted not knowing how to use a washing machine. The youngest player in the side could anticipate a pass way before it happened, some say on the Tuesday already. Never scored but repeatedly displayed his trademark belly slide arms flapping vigorously as he squealed “Sacre bleau!”
Position: Centre Back
Matches: W/D/L: 11/1/1
Reason for Nickname: Have you seen a picture of Luis Armstrong?
Lowlight of Season:Playing a game where he said that the forwards couldn’t score even if they were the only player in a bingo hall. Shortly thereafter nearly got kicked out of the manager’s car for being happy after a loss.
Highlight of Season: Scored the opening goal in the comeback against YMO.
Brief:”Satchmo” was center back supremo this season sweeping everything on the field and sometimes off the field too. The tall man was never shy to make his opinion known of the forwards who couldn’t score and helped out with a goal or two over the season with the head. Great in defending with his head giving an Old Mutual player a blood nose in the last league game of the season. Was sorely missed in an away game over a long weekend when the lad took his lass away to serenade her; has denied rumours that he used a sax to do so.
Position: Center back holding attacking midfielder wing defense
Appearances: Too few it has to be said (5)
Matches: W/D/L: 4/0/1
Reason for Nickname: Richard prefers to sail on the weekends rather than play soccer.
Lowlight of Season: Breaking his boots at practice, complaining that the ladies were 2 minutes late
Highlight of Season: Appearing at a Saturday game
Brief: Popeye has one philosophy to his game… beat the opposition to the ball and kick it into next week. Only appearing once on a Saturday, he made week night games and was solid in goals or in the backline. Great all-rounder and asset to the team. Broke his boots at practice and insisted he was sponsored a new pair or never to play again. Lost popularity wanting everyone to be on German time.
Name: Dezroy aka Denzel
Position: Right back, wing back
Appearances: 3 on the field, many in the hospital
Matches: W/D/L: 2/0/1
Reason for Nickname: Could’ve been Denzel Washington on any other day
Lowlight of Season: Tore Achilles during an 8-1 drubbing of YMO St. Lukes
Highlight of Season: Disappearing for a beer when temporarily subbed against Durbanville
Brief: The lad was playing good footie but tore his Achilles in the game against YMO. Supported the team throughout the season and was sadly missed at right back. Promised to swim to keep fit and is rumoured to have enjoyed the pub more. Hard to notice from his suit and tie but the lad organises parties for a living. True team man following the team through the season giving encouragement from his wheelchair.
Position: Left back (often in the changerooms)
Cards: Many-Still holds record number of red cards for Over 45’s
Matches: W/D/L: 2/0/1
Nickname: The Thug
Reason for Nickname: Averaging 1 red card per season… for violent conduct
Lowlight of Season: Felled a Vasco player in an Over 40’s cup game with a right hook Chuck would’ve been proud of
Highlight of Season: Playing for the Over 45’s
Brief: Justin was called in as first backup when the Over 45’s were short. Sterling man with a great game ethic, running at least 15 kilograms off. Brings his own support team in the form of Grandoog (father) whenever he is allowed out. Always keen for a game, or a fight, or both preferably. Feeds his father red wine in exchange for clocking up kilometers on his monitor. Great sense of humour but not much sense when judging which sport he was playing at the time, often getting EFC and Soccer confused.
Name: Clr. Steven P de V
Position: Right Back
Matches: W/D/L: 7/0/2
Reason for Nickname: Nominated to stand for a political party in the 2016 local government elections.
Lowlight of Season:Got into a handbag slapping with YMO
Highlight of Season: Great assist for Ronald Koeman to score the third goal against YMO at home
Brief: Stevie’s work commitments in the seedy oil business distracted the lad from a full season in the Premier O45 C league. And, when that wasn’t enough, he decided to enter politics. Lots of potential from the former rugby lock but has to get his priorities in order. Almost threw a few handbags in the YMO game and the investigation into his bleeding hand still to be finalised. Also known to be a braaimaster of note bringing his own equipment with to ensure maximum results. Still in the habit of wanting to brawl at breakdowns despite the rules of the game and prohibition of scrumming with studs explained to him before every game.
Name: Wayne or Keith, depending on the card
Position: Right or Left Back
Matches: W/D/L: 4/0/0 (only player to win all his games)
Nickname: Captain Jack – Pirate of Afrikaburn
Reason for Nickname: Resembles Johnny Depp in Pirate of the Caribbean with his long locks. Runs the Afrikaburn adventure making the local title most appropriate
Lowlight of Season: Realised it was winter and joined with only 5 games left
Highlight of Season: Played like a demon in the most physical game of the season
Brief: Capt Jack is a trooper of note and a team player to boot. Always donates to the cause, and makes himself available if he is not on holiday, arranging Afrikaburn, decompressing from Afrikaburn or attending any party in between. Is known for arriving at games straight from previous night’s parties and looks unfamiliar if standing without a beverage in hand. Deceivingly fast for a party animal and unsurprisingly organised bringing a portable bar to away games with abstainers.
Position: Left Back/Half
Matches: W/D/L: 4/1/1
Nickname: Freddie Mercury
Reason for Nickname: Slicked-back hair, trimmed mustache
Lowlight of Season: Chose a career which only allows him to play fortnightly
Highlight of Season: Changing his weekends to play in the cup
Brief: Freddie is quite a marvel for a 50 year old. Has the pace of a 25 year old, the strength of a 30 year old and a turn like John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever. Other teams couldn’t believe they had passed him only to face him again 20 meters further on as he had turned, chased back, passed them, turned again and awaited their challenge. No-one succeeded in passing him twice. The lad is a hard worker when he does make a game and sews up the opposition’s right wing. Has made the mistake of catching a life with Fred Flintstone to a Friday night away game more than once, ending up being abandoned somewhere near Maccassar in the early hours of a Saturday morning as a result. Unsurprising his outings are limited by his WAG then….