Not match reports

First game


Hello Ladies…

The time has finally arrived and you now have an irrevocable, unfettered reason for being out of the house on Saturday afternoon. Yes, come Saturday 14h00, the first kick-off to the 2016 over 45 season begins and the curtain will open on a fixture that will separate the men from the boys, the fit from the unfit, the winners from the losers, the big from the small, the thin from the fat, the…. never mind, you get the drift. Invite your spouse, your children, family and friends, in fact anyone who needs a reason to drink on a Saturday afternoon to come support.

Kick off against Chelsea, PROMPT at 14h00 at home, no Dave, not in Heritage Park, De Beers football ground. Be there at 13h26 LATEST (Dereck )!

As usual, let me know or ignore me on your availability for the game but either way, don’t let me down!!!

Practice in Gavin’s back yard tomorrow night at 20h00 but it will be an easy one.

NB-Remember to bring the team shirt with that you never returned to the kit bag last year and R40 (gone up since $/R took a plunge) to finance the Snoek, salads, beers for the opposition and my Canary Islands bank account recently uncovered by the Panama Papers.

Finally, a huge thank you to the effort from one and all to get yourselves registered. It’s been a great response, even if I completed the forms for you :-/.

I’m psyched for this year….!!!!!


Request for a referee


Hello lads

I hope you are all well.

The over 45’s require the services of a strong-willed, knowledgeable and experienced individual, who is prepared to walk around with a whistle in his mouth for around 80 odd minutes. Sense of humour will be an added advantage and tough stance on the rules of football. English-speaking preferable but Afrikaans would be useful as would a working knowledge of Portuguese profanities. Physically not challenging, but working conditions can be slightly strenuous interacting with rebellious old men trying to relive their youth. Heart rate guaranteed to reach at least 60% for 50% of the time.

Remuneration: Entertainment guaranteed, as is a beer and a piece of Snoek after the game.

Time: 14h00 to 15h30, unless extra time is required, but its dubious any of them will last that long.

Please contact the writer should you be interested in the temporary position.

No need to send a CV and please DO NOT send a photo.

Buying Grass


Dear Mr Chairman

I hope you are well.

At first glance, the subject of this mail might’ve either raised a concern or left you tentatively excited. I trust it is the former.

Given the fact that our home results from last year weren’t convincing against equally skilled quinquagenarians, I have been contemplating our return to the now “D” field to host our home games where the previous Over 45’s, none any more talented it has to be said, had many convincing successes.

However, on inspecting said patch yesterday, I suspect there might be some bleating from the home team, never mind the away team, at the dangers lurking in the goalmouth. Indeed, if the keeper isn’t more than 4 foot tall, he might not be seen standing in the ditch, never mind him attempting a save and the vulnerability to possible concussion if he does risk a dive. I took the liberty of discussing the matter with Chefe Abel and we made some resolutions which would require your authorisation.

It is proposed that we loosen the sand in the ditches where there is no grass, plant some ready-to-lay grass, topping it with a layer of top soil and rounding it off with some watering on top of that. This may not seem like an agricultural secret but I speak from experience. I have had great success with this in the past in my back garden which is remarkably flourishing given that is was once a building site. I take cognisance of the fact that perhaps we are not dealing with the same size of undertaking here but being a football club of notable stature, I am sure we can be creative.  Ideally, once this is done, the goalmouths should be cordoned off to give the grass a chance to take. If possible it should be rolled with a roller but I am aware that there is a cost involved so Kurt offered to walk around the goal area to flatten the grass too. Chefe Abel also advised that this type of grass is a lot easier to come by and can be purchased on street corners (if you know what I mean), but nevertheless needs to be purchased which again, comes at a cost.

Provided this doesn’t run into thousands, I am sure that we can find some sponsors to assist here but I would need to know the costs involved. I have estimated that around 40m2 should suffice which, even at R10m2 shouldn’t be hard too hard to raise.

I look forward in anticipation to your prompt response.

Getting the ladies registered


Morning Ladies

I trust you all had a good Easter and didn’t eat too many Easter eggs. Although having said that, some of you still look like you ate the Easter Bunny himself :-/

Onto the serious stuff…. De Beers received an e-mail from the CTTFA about the Over 45’s and the structure of the leagues. I’ll spare the gory details but the essence of the mail states that we are in the “C” league again this year with the only difference is that it is now a competitive league. There are several implications as a result. Firstly, it is not a social league which means team returns and cards again! Everyone therefore has to be registered to play and to date we only have around 6 registered players with our first game 11 days away. You lads have to get your sh*t sorted this week!  Remember that it takes about 2 weeks to get the cards so I’m not sure how this is going to play out (pun intended).

Another implication is that if we want to play “B” league again, we’re going to have to earn it by winning the league. That means we need to field a competitive side and have some spares on the sideline. I would encourage you to get down to practice and make an effort to do some running or gym or whatever blows your hair back to get fitter. All the other sides are practicing and I won’t have us coming anywhere below 2nd place!

Practice tomorrow night in Gavin’s back garden. Make an effort lads



First Practice Game


Morning Ladies

Hope you have all recovered from the weekend, especially those who played for the rest, well let’s leave it at that.

Despite my trepidation about agreeing to a friendly knowing that I have only 7 players, we managed to field a full side on Saturday. From the way we played we still looked like we had only 7 players on the park. Warren claims he ran over 27,000 steps….granted they are those of a midget and a normal-sized person probably would’ve covered the distance in 9000 steps, it was nevertheless a good effort by the lad. There were clear signs of those who smoke and drink too much suffering from a lack of fitness but I won’t mention Stevie’s name in case I embarrass him. But we are clearly off the pace and need to up our game a tad because YMO aren’t a top of the table team but they are clearly fit having been practicing with 3 friendlies under the belt already. Be that as it may, it was a paradigm shift of where we are and how much we still have to go. Having said that, there were spells of promise and some signs of old talent coming to the fore. With a little more practice plus the return of some faces who were m.i.a. on Saturday, I think we will do better. We did have our chances and Clive has promised to introduce me, Dereck and Abel to a set of nets during the week.

We appealed the Friday night games and managed to have all our Home games moved to a Saturday. The rest of the games (all 9 of them) are still on Friday nights at 7. Note that we play 1 home game and 1 away game. I know this is a challenge for many but it is only 9 games lads and every second weekend at that. It also frees up your Saturdays to come down to support the 1st team or stay at home and watch Man United play or watch paint dry, if you can tell the difference. But if you see this as an insurmountable challenge, please let me know so I can remove your name from the list. I don’t want you ladies to think you can play the convenient home game and be unavailable for the away games, it doesn’t work like that. If you are in, you are in, balls and all, no crying like a girl because you have to travel on a Friday night. I will endeavor to change the games where possible.

There are two and a half weeks until first game and we have two people who have registered, myself and Warren. I’m not licking anyone’s this year and Laurel has taken on a different role as well so she ain’t gonna either. So print out the forms, complete them and scan and send them in with proof of your registration payment. We do not have much time!!

Please let me know if you have any problems with the forms :-/ or the fees.

Games schedules for Friday nights :-O


Hello Ladies

It is of little wonder I call you ladies because the reaction I have had from the below mail is equivalent to a dorm of girls showering and a dirty old man running into the change rooms to flash… everyone screaming and diving for cover.

Okay, okay, I get it, you lot don’t want to play on a Friday night. I have taken the issue up with our honourable chairperson and his nominated representative to make our case at CTTFA. We’ll do whatever we can to have it changed, even if we go all the way to the constitutional court. So in the words of the Hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy….”Don’t panic!”

Seriously, whilst I love my soccer, the idea of having to travel to Cape Town on a Friday night after work, play soccer, have a refreshment or 17, and travel the gauntlet home facing possible road blocks and thugs using my car as target practice isn’t very appealing to me either. But there are only 10 teams which means a maximum of 9 trips this year, the rest are home games. And, should we fail at our appeal at the CTTFA, we can always move the games between managers. I’m on your side here!

#don’tbeagirl   #debeersforBleague

So let’s keep those chins up, even if it is only one of those chins and with a beer mug too.

Practice tonight at 19h45, please make an effort to be there. You need it almost as much as me!

Have a nice day now!



Morning Ladies

Just when you thought it was safe to look at your mail again….

Herewith below please find our fixtures for the year. For reasons unknown to me and perhaps only our dogged and determined leader J”F”K can advise us on, we are in the “C” league. However, on the upside, there are 10 teams and given Clive and Stuart’s midweek gripes about calves and Achilles’ problems, combined with Dave’s gammy hips, we’ll be lucky to make all 20 games. But let’s give a fight to make our way up to the B league this year!

So do the normal thing and delete the mail and look surprised when I tell you we have a game on the weekend. Alternatively, plan birthdays, weekends away, or even get a spider to bite you and make sure it coincides with a game. Alternatively, you can do something different this year and check your game schedule before you make any commitments!!!

#apathymustfall  #debeersforBleague

Date Home Team   Away Team Venue
08/04/16 03-G3 -DE BEERS vs 01-G3 -AVENDALE De Beers Somerset West A
15/04/16 04-G3 – FN RANGERS vs 03-G3 -DE BEERS FN Rangers FNB Staduim A
22/04/16 03-G3 -DE BEERS vs 10-G3 -WEST END U De Beers Somerset West A
29/04/16 08-G3 -YMO ST LUKES vs 03-G3 -DE BEERS YMO st Lukes
13/05/16 03-G3 -DE BEERS vs 09-G3 -EDGEMEAD  De Beers Somerset West A
20/05/16 05-G3 -OLD MUTUUAL vs 03-G3 -DE BEERS Old Mutual Mutual Park A
27/05/16 03-G3 -DE BEERS vs 06-G3 -QUEENS PARK De Beers Somerset West A
03/06/16 07-G3 -TABLE VIEW vs 03-G3 -DE BEERS Table View Table View A
10/06/16 03-G3 -DE BEERS vs 02-G3 – BOTHASIG B De Beers Somerset West A
17/06/16 01-G3 -AVENDALE  vs 03-G3 -DE BEERS Avendale  Field Crescent B
24/06/16 03-G3 -DE BEERS vs 04-G3 – FN RANGERS  De Beers Somerset West A
01/07/16 10-G3 -WEST END U vs 03-G3 -DE BEERS West End U Park B
15/07/16 03-G3 -DE BEERS vs 08-G3 -YMO ST LUKE De Beers Somerset West A
22/07/16 09-G3 -EDGEMEAD vs 03-G3 -DE BEERS Edgemead G/W Edgemead A
29/07/16 03-G3 -DE BEERS vs 05-G3 -OLD MUTUAL De Beers Somerset West A
05/08/16 06-G3 – QUEENS PARK  vs 03-G3 -DE BEERS Queens Park
19/08/16 03-G3 -DE BEERS vs 07-G3 -TABLE VIEW De Beers Somerset West A
26/08/16 02-G3 – BOTHASIG B vs 03-G3 -DE BEERS Bothasig Abe Sher C

First practice match


In case you aren’t on WhatsApp or like Justin, have been removed because you confused the Over 45’s group to your porn channel, herewith the mail.

We have a practice match at 14h15 on Saturday at home to YMO St. Lukes and I am looking for soccer players to come play :-O

We have a few volunteers but as usual, I have had more success getting a blood transfusion from the Rock of Gibraltar than I have of getting a commitment either way out of you lot.

Those who have responded on Whatsapp thank you, please ignore this mail.

On the other hand, if you would like to Unsubscribe from this list, please respond with a mail stating “Bugger off”, or “Unsubscribe”, whichever you prefer.

First Practice Analysis


Hello Ladies

We had great turnout on Wednesday night for practice. Some would say that it was a better turnout than what we get for most of our games :-/

In any event, it was a good workout for most. The usual set of diehards pitched with Warren bleating like a goat set out to pasture too early because his pedometer was questioning whether or not it was being lent out to a professional runner for the night. Gonzo refused to leave the arena wanting more practice which resulted in Dereck poach-in-the-goal-mouth-area-the-whole-night Tame, suggesting that Gonzo is using EPO and insisting blood and urine tests should be introduced to remove the scourge of doping in over 45’s practice.

Newby Gavin said he walked like a spatchcock chicken for the rest of the week and was offered a parking spot in the disabled parking when he went to try buy morphine for the pain at Dischem on Thursday. Almiro put in a guest appearance and looked like he was practicing for a ballet appearance at Artscape doing pirouettes, twists and turns with grace and flair. Clivey pumped his arms as he trundled up and down the court looking like a steam engine, and with the cool night air on his sweaty forehead showing signs of condensation, didn’t look dissimilar from one too. Dave was his usual unassuming self until he was cornered with the ball at his feet, facing the fence. A couple of hacks at his ankles turned him into a Samurai warrior and despite being floored, he came back slicing calves and Achilles from his horizontal position. In comparison to that lot, Stuart seemed like the only normal person which is a whole new low for the side.

Practice will be in Gavin’s back yard on Wednesday evening again at 19h45…don’t forget security might frisk for steroids Richard. All welcome even if you prefer playing on a corrugated iron pitch.

Games are due to start in mid-April so we’d best be getting some practice in.

First practice…


Hello Ladies

We are getting together for a training session next Saturday afternoon at 15h30. It’s on an astro-turf type outdoor court so no need to worry about bringing a panga to scout through the grass at De Beers. Please don’t arrive at 15h29 and expect to be on the pitch at 15h30 as there are security procedures that you need to follow. We’ll have an hour game and a braai afterwards accompanied by some orange juice, or beer or water…as you deem fit. Bring your own dop ‘n tjop.

We’re in the B league again this year so we need to get some practice in and more players. Currently we have a potential of 15 and our head scout Clive has already recruited Gavin, a former midfield star. Given Dave’s gammy legs, we may however need more players. Persuade old team mates and new alike to come down and meet the lads. Who knows, the lads might even talk to them…. :-/

We also have the court on Wednesday evening from 20h00 to 22h00. The Saturday is non-negotiable, as you need to attend to be considered for the first team squad :-O but if you can make the Wednesday evening practice as well, you’ll be one step ahead, literally.

Please see if you can at least respond…