Match 2- Durbanville vs DBFC


Morning Ladies

So we lost 1 -0, to a well-organised side on a slippery pitch, away, on a Friday night which started later than the already-late kick-off time. It isn’t ideal but it isn’t the end of the world either. I thought we played well but didn’t take our chances (well some of us anyway…). I also learnt a few lessons about the team and management but more of that later…. Aside from that, I was simply amazed at the commitment of the team, flocking to the fixture in their numbers. An unheard of 15 players at the game all bouncing over the pitch (well not Gavin perhaps), chomping at the bit to have a go at Durbanville.

This week for the match report, I have decided to go with player ratings. Each player put in a 10/10 performance but lost some points along the way… herewith the ratings for the night…


Keen front runner holding the ball up well and having a decent game all round. Gave away needless points for complaining he was all alone up front and lost significant points for failing to convert in front of goals. Lost another point for drinking coke at the bar and lost a further point by telling me I don’t know what I am doing. – 6/10


Solid game at the back for young Stevie with a nice run up the park clashing with several Durbanville players en-route. Lost a point for not taking out another 3 players thereby opening the way for Spike to score, lost another 1 for phoning me from a foreign number and publically telling me to answer my phone and a further point for not telling me he was on form. Lost the further point by arranging a conference in Europe in May and not clearing it with me first – 6/10


Kurt started the fixture well with clearing through passes into neighbouring Paarl and positioning himself well to save anything that came his way, (notwithstanding that he could stand anywhere and still be in the way). The second half goal was an unfortunate bobble around the box not being cleared and the shot that came through ended up in the back of the net. Starting with 10 points, Kurt lost a point for not taking the man out like he does at practice, and lost another point for getting a hand to it but holding onto it like he does a tea cup when he visits a sick aunty. Lost a third point for kicking the ball away when we were 1-0 down and lost a final point by misleading young Stuart on a night out in a pub afterwards and dropping him off at home legless at 2 in the morning.  – 6/10


Sterling performance at the back heading everything away but the opposition, complemented by some dashes into the midfield. Great game with the exception that he didn’t score at corners, minus 1 and minus another for taking too long to read and respond to his WhatsApps. Lost another point because he wants to play upfront given that Dereck and Richard can’t score with a wax prostitute at Madam Toussard’s. Minus another for singing and dancing in my car on the way home when we were all miserable. – 6/10


Strong performance by the part-timer with speedy dashes up and down the wing covering well. Lost a point for faking an injury to have a rest and lost another point with thinking he was playing central striker left forward attacking defender in the centre of the park. Minus another point for choosing a job where he can only play for us ever second week and a further point by leaving the WhatsApp group and requiring special attention on his own group – 6/10


Great display from the midfielder converted to a right back. Shows a lot of promise for the future in the defence. Unfortunate to give away a point for not crossing into the box consistently as instructed and further points for disappearing for a shower/beer/pee/date after being temporarily subbed in the second half. Lost another point for hosting an event in his events management business on Saturday when we play at home to West End and a final point thrown away for making me register on his behalf – 6/10


Newby to the side had a good game up the left hand side of the field. Lost a silly point by loitering in the attack when we were defending and conversely loitering in the defence when we were attacking.  A few good crosses earned him an unheard of 3 bonus points but lost 3 points for having a long face when the referee didn’t agree with him and lost another 3 points for leaving early without saying goodbye. Kurt was gutted. –  6/10


Willing performance from the Portuguese striker, running for everything during the match. Earned an additional 2 points for encouraging his players and not losing it with the ref for whatever reason*.  Lost 3 points for missing an open goal and blaming the surface of the pitch for skidding the ball (like he is used to much better). Lost a further two  points for not knowing which leg to use in front of the box and then not using any. Lost a point in secretly subbing players on the far side of the field knowing I can’t see that far without my glasses. – 6/10

* Rumour has it Richard has actually been swopped with his twin brother Peter as Peter has a significantly better temperament. The lack of retaliation and cursing at the ref has left a nice but disturbing silence on the pitch.


Exceptional ball control in the middle of the field from a resurgent attacking part-time midfielder. He is only part-time because he only plays part of the time when the ball gets close to him. Lost a point for making Kurt late and a further point for blaming his wife. Lost another point for not scoring from 7 yards away from the goal line from a free-kick. Gave final point by socialising with mates from Bothasig when we were playing Durbanville – 6/10


The usual 110% effort from Stuart in the engine room of the midfield with some fearless tackling and unabated running. Gave away needless points by forgetting which position he was playing, and gave away further points by arriving at Vodacom World of golf when Kurt was picking him up at home. Gave away several more points for ending up legless at some bar after trying to get Kurt inebriated. – 6/10


The fearless midget once again running around the field though a little less lost this time. Lost a couple of points for forgetting to remove his glasses when taking a ball in the face and another for losing his glasses on the field, causing him to run onto the adjacent field and continue playing against Durbanville but assisting a Bothasig player with a through pass. Lost a final point for arranging to work up North in Bechuanaland when he should be playing against West End. Was fortunate not to lose another point for leaving early to have nookie having been on the road the whole week. – 6/10


Patient Spike was pushed from bench to midfield to wing and back to the bench in a 30 minute spell that wasn’t long enough to get a good judgement of his play. He lost 3 valuable points for missing a golden opportunity in front of goal and a further point for not showing enough aggression. Lost a final point by being too jolly when subbed instead of bleating like the rest of the field. Gained a bonus point for showing composure in front of the dug-out. – 6/10


Debutant Gavin was quite verbal on the sideline during the first half but suddenly went quiet when he took to the pitch… Was difficult to get anything out of him in the changerooms due to heavy breathing which Kurt insists had nothing  to do with him. I could pick up some words… “..not as fit…(pant pant)”, “ fast…(pant pant)” and “..35 kilograms…(pant pant)” I think we can read between the dots. New signing shows good promise but lost points in thinking he was an attacker and looked bleak when asked to come back and help mumbling something about not having played for 5 years. Lost further points asking if I wanted to wash his shorts and lost a further point by wanting to get an early night knowing we know he is an eligible single man on the prowl. – 6/10


Great game by Stephane putting in a solid performance; interceptions, clearing the ball and tackling like a demon. Full marks performance but for the fact he came in a penguin suit to a soccer match – minus a point,  minus another point for working at a hotel and admitting he doesn’t know how to use a washing machine and minus 2 points for straight thereafter taking the kit home to wash in the very same washing machine he doesn’t know how to operate. I suspect we might have to give our kit away to mascots after they come out the wash :-O – 6/10

Did I get everyone? I think so.


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